[I'll warn you in advance: this is, like, thesis-length. I took 5 days to complete it. It makes my last Idol piece look like a minuscule pull-quote. This is my final article for the season, and this is the season I have been the most invested in, ever, so I thought I'd lay it all out. ...In 4,400 words.]

Five years, now. Five years of loving and hating this cheesy show, and each year I get more beat down, more resigned to the fact that this shit never ends well for me, and the season finales are invariably disappointing.

Season 3: Didn't care about either of these hamsters, but Fantasia > Diana. Diana blows.
Season 4: Rallied behind Bo, the season finale was awesome up until the last ten minutes when the edgy, innovative, superior contestant lost to fucking FarmBot. Spent the rest of the day upset, bitched about it on my blog. (Years later, I ended up liking Carrie, forgetting Bo, and hating Constantine.)
Season 5: Hated Taylor more than Katharine, but I thought it would be fun to have this schmuck beat out the pretty "package artist," just to fuck with producers. Midway through the finale it turned into the Prince show, Prince won, and we all went home happy. Taylor who?
Season 6: Conflicted, but mostly apathetic. No one compares to my papaya Sanjaya!
Season 7: Meh. I wasn't around for this.

I never could pick a winner, so over the years I'd gotten used to preparing myself for disappointments. Every year, the melody of "Maybe this time, I'll wiiiin" would fade a little more. But then...

Season 8: I have five favorites, two slightly more than the others...what? They're in the Final 2? So there's no way I can lose with this scenario? How the hell did that happen?

This...is American Idol!

[Dun-un, dun-un, dun-un...]



I) My journey on Idol (set in slow-motion with fancy transitions and shit, as Carrie sings "Home Sweet Home")

Adam has the impressive voice, but Kris has the beautiful voice.

This is how I'll choose to explain why, in what is ostensibly a singing competition, I voted for the shy baritone with a thin, reedy warble and a tendency to botch the last falsetto note on almost every song he did, instead of voting for the larger-than-life countertenor with the biggest range in Idol history since Chris Daughtry, utter technical perfection and the best glory notes you'll ever hear. See, American Idol is not just a singing competition, it's a search for the next chart-topper, and I want to vote for the guy whose album I intend to buy.

Here's the thing, for me for you, sweetie: Adam genuinely is the best contestant this show has had in years. He breathed new life into a limping franchise, he made every week exciting, and he absolutely deserved to win. But the best isn't always my favorite, and wasn't in this case.

If I put this into a food analogy, Adam is like curry. Some people can't get enough of it, some people like it mild or in moderation (i.e. fans who liked Adam for more subdued performances like "Mad World" or "Tracks of My Tears"), and it burns the roof off of some people's mouths, leaving them numb. Kris is creme brulee. Some think it's bland, dull, "vanilla," others love it for its subtleties and texture and richness and nuances. The judges and producers and media are clearly curry people, and I won't hold that against them. People like me and you and Jamie Foxx? We can appreciate curry, because curry is fantastic, but for me, for you, for me, there's nothing as exquisite as a well-crafted creme brulee.

It wasn't always this way. There was a big, weird journey that led me to this creme brulee-loving point.

Embarrassingly enough, that journey began with me (playing right into producers' hands by) thinking that I liked the widower with a slight Robert Downey, Jr. resemblance. That oil rig guy, too. And that Indian-American college preppy with the unfortunate Wal-Mart fashion. He had a silky voice, and hotness potential.


Then this supreme, mega-glittery gayzilla burst onto the scene all of a sudden in the semifinals, all melisma and an unearthly range and so much gayness that it made my heart smile. And I was like, I love this guy, OMG. There are no other contestants on this show.

Advancing with Captain Awesomepants and his kickass guyliner from the same group: some red-haired chick who sang the hell out of a song that really should no longer be sung on this show, ever, and...who? Dude, I thought it was gonna be Jesse Langseth, that chick was cool. So it's some Other Guy we've never heard of before, who sang a corny Michael Jackson song. Why are people all verklempt over this dude's hotness? He's marginally okay-looking and kind of short. Whatever.

Weeks pass, Anoop has a beautiful voice but an unfortunate habit of picking shitty songs, Dead Wife Danny is karaoke and I'm bored, Michael Sarver and Megan Joy suck and need to go home, like, yesterday, there's this guy Matt Giraud who did a cool, kind of sexy version of MJ's "Human Nature," Allison is the first chick rocker I take a liking to, and Captain Awesomepants gets more awesomepants every week. He blew me away with "Tracks of My Tears," and his "Mad World" left me chilled, stunned, motionless, holy shit. Best AI performance. Ever. This is not American Idol, this is The Adam Lambert Show.

But then there's Other Guy, who keeps getting better every week without me really noticing until he bitchslaps me in the face with his wonderfulness in Country Week ("To Make You Feel My Love"). Jamie Foxx was right on the money about this kid: "He's gonna blow you away, and you won't even know it."


I looked Other Guy up online. Two fabulous surprises: 1) he's a Jamie Cullum fan, niiice, 2) he's a fantastic songwriter. I have this tendency to sugarcoat my feelings towards my favorite contestants' pre-Idol albums, insisting they were great when I secretly thought they blew. I almost fooled myself into thinking I enjoyed the senseless cacophony that was Constantine's old band. God. I couldn't even pretend to like Adam Lambert's originals, all tuneless, annoying electro-pop crap. But with Kris Allen, no forced enthusiasm at all -- Brand New Shoes is my favorite pre-Idol album ever, by a country mile.

On the show, Kris never failed to deliver. Each performance was better than the last. After watching his "She Works Hard for the Money" with my jaw open the whole time, I knew I loved this guy in a Duncan Sheik, I'll-buy-ALL-your-albums-goddamn kind of way. I loved everything he did. Even his much-maligned "All She Wants to Do is Dance" was something I found danceable, catchy, and way better than the original. I thought his "Come Together" was completely underrated, as was Kris in general, thanks judges.

Meanwhile, Adam stagnated after "Mad World," relying on ancient rock cliches like "Satisfaction," "Born to Be Wild" and "Cryin'." I think it was his failure to show how he could be current that ended up being his eventual downfall (he should have listened when Randy compared him to My Chemical Romance, and picked more contemporary songs -- I vote Queens of the Stone Age or Panic! at the Disco). Not that I don't still love Adam, but at some point Kris's upward trajectory surpassed Adam's plateau. Essentially, I'm "came for the Adam, stayed for the Kris" about this season.

Being a Kris fan meant I was screwed. America may love an underdog, but American Idol doesn't. Think back to all the previous winners: Kelly, Ruben, Fantasia, Carrie, Taylor, Jordin, David. Think back to how enthusiastically the judges praised them, whether or not they deserved it. Think back to how much airtime they received. None of them were underdogs in their respective seasons.

The producers always get the winner they want, and this year, they wanted Danny Gokey and Adam Lambert. They wanted a cynical, borderline offensive storyline of Saint vs. Sinner, light vs. dark, Christian widower vs. agnostic Jew fag. Except in this case, the "Saint" they had cast was a self-aggrandizing douchenozzle who wouldn't ever fucking shut up, and their "Sinner" was a perfectly nice guy.

Who was Kris Allen in this storyline? Kris was the Other Guy, natch.

It's tough rooting for the Other Guy, because Other Guys never, ever win on this show. Experience taught me to prepare for what was inevitable. Starting from the Top 10, my cycle of emotions went like this:

1. Wednesday: Wow, Kris rocked it tonight!
2. Fuck you, judges.
3. *votes 300 times while Lisa Loeb's "Underdog" plays from laptop speakers*
4. Oh no, he's last on DialIdol! Online reviewers predict he's going home! Come on, just one more week pleasepleaseplease...
5. Thursday: I refuse to look at spoilers because I do not want early heartbreak. I've been burned before.
6. *hangs out at mall/pool, experiences intense my-heart-is-in-my-mouth thumpa-thumpa feeling whenever thinking of AI results*
7. OMG HE'S SAFE?!? REALLY?
8. Next Wednesday: *reading spoilers* He's slated to perform early again? Adam's going last, again? Fuck you, producers.
9. Lather, rinse, repeat.

(At some point, there was a tenth step that went "Fuck you, Danny Gokey, you giant pile of jackass.")

You'd think that since Kris was safe every week, the intensity of my panic would fade. It didn't, only worsened. With every elimination, Kris's chances of being the next to leave shot higher. If I had a nickel for every time someone predicted that Kris was going home, I'd...have a fuck lot of nickels.

I was getting good at my little Sally Hawkins finding-optimism-in-pessimism game. Every week brought a brand new rationale:

• If Kris goes out 4th, it's okay, because 3rd placers don't get to do the press tour, anyway. He can have a comfortable if not stellar career with an indie label, a la Elliott Yamin, or maybe even get signed to a major label like Jason Castro.
• If Kris goes out 3rd, it's okay, because at least he got the hometown visit.
• If Kris goes out 2nd, it's okay, because HOLY SHIT KRADAM F2.

I especially thought Kris was a goner after Rock Week, for reasons I'll expound on later. Throughout the results show, I kept telling myself "You are NOT going to cry this time, this is just a TV show and it does not deserve such massive emotional investment." Then Kris was announced safe (did you see his shock!face? He thought he was going home too), and I went full-on Tom Cruise, squeeing and jumping up and down in the living room until my legs hurt.

Emotional investment, indeed.

When the impossible dream of a Kris/Adam Final 2 came true, I did a good enough job convincing myself that I wanted Adam to win, so that when Kris lost I would be totally zen with the outcome. My soundbite: If Kris won, he'd get tarred and feathered by the media for being The Guy Who Beat Adam Lambert, so he's better off as a runner-up with a solid, if not stellar, career.

I genuinely thought that Kris outperformed Adam on the final performance night. I made good on my word to vote for Kris; I was cool with him not winning, but I didn't want him to lose by an embarrassing landslide. I kept playing the "I can live with second" song from The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee that night. Because I can live with second. It's okay.

Julie's Brain, Idol finale results show:

1. The Kradam bromance is the sweetest thing ever! I wish the fans would learn a thing or two from them about acceptance.
2. *Adam rocks the house with KISS* OMG, amazing. Adam will be a very deserving winner. I really want Adam to win, even if his fans are fucking obnoxious.
3. I can live with secooooooooooond...
4. And now, the moment we all knew was coming since the first week of the finals...
5. OMG WAIT WHAT

Insaaane. This is the season I pulled out all the stops so I'd be mentally prepared to accept my favorite not winning, and then he...wins?

My fear of media backlash dampened what should have been a moment of celebration. If I was hopping and squealing every week he was safe, then hell, I should have been bouncing off the walls this time, right? Instead, I was sitting there with my jaw open, speechless. Silently freaking out about what was about to happen. (Mom tried to ruin the moment by insisting the wrong guy won, but I don't care, Ma, Danny Gokey still blows. My Kris >>>> Your Danny. You deserve to have your ringtone set to "Scream On." Hey, I have a new idea for a prank...)

But I'm happier this way. Instead of letting all the euphoria out in one moment and then having it diminish as it usually does, my joy at Kris's unlikely but well-deserved victory gets bigger and better with every day that passes. It's been days, now, and I'm still in a "pinch me" phase. I still smile when I think about the concept of "Your new American Idol, Kris Allen." Every day brings more proof that this really is happening: Kris's pretty, pretty iTunes profile page; "No Boundaries" is currently the #1 most downloaded song; he has more songs on the Top 50 chart than Adam, suck it haters; polls on various sites showing that people really do believe that America got it right.

Sure, there are tons of bitter Adam fans, and there's a fair amount of media backlash that the judges' and critics' darling lost. And it does hurt me to read it. Why would people hate on a puppydog? It sucks when bad things happen to good people.

Nevertheless, my fears are subsiding, because the fact is that there were two people in this final 2: the guy Simon wanted to win, and the guy America wanted to win. Kris is on the correct side of this equation -- who's going to be buying the debut albums? Simon Cowell, or America?

I'm already excited about Season 9, because Kris's face will actually be there in the opening credits alongside Idol greats like Kelly, Carrie and Cook. I can't wait.



II) Kris Allen's journey on Idol (set in slow-motion with fancy transitions and shit, to Kris's own it-grows-on-you rendition of "No Boundaries")

Argue all you want about how "No Boundaries" is a piece of unmitigated schlock, a testament to Kara DioGuardi's lameness, but there is no song more fitting to describe Kris's Idol journey. He had some huge-ass mountains to climb. He made it through the pain, weathered the hurricane. There are no boundariiiiiiiies.

Not only is he the unlikeliest Idol in all eight seasons, but he's also the Idol who's earned it the most. He received absolutely no help from the producers or judges. Allow me to list the mountains and hurricanes:

1. Screentime. 11 of the 13 finalists were featured in extended promotional video packages during the audition and Hollywood rounds. The two that got barely any screentime? Allison Iraheta and Kris Allen.
2. A sing-off. Kris was put through an unaired sing-off against Kenny Hoffpauer, an equally cute singer-songwriter type. Proof that the producers didn't want Kris as anything other than eye-candy cannon fodder.
3. Producer favoritism. Kris was the reason they had a Top 13 this year instead of a Top 12. He was extremely lucky to get through on a likable if underwhelming rendition of "Man in the Mirror," because that night, producer favorite Matt Giraud tanked. If Matt had delivered on the potential he showed in Hollywood Week and gotten through, I'm 100% positive they wouldn't have asked Kris to come back for the Wild Card round.
4. Performance order. Media darling Adam Lambert got to close the show (also known in the Idolsphere as the "pimp spot") 5 times, 3 of those in a row. Kris only got the pimp spot twice -- one of those was because he won a coin toss and got to choose. Most of the time, they put him in the early half of the show, usually at #2, which is why TWoPpers call it the Kris Allen Memorial Spot.
5. Rock Week. The producers were considerably crueler to other contestants (Allison, Anoop) than Kris, but only because they didn't initially see him as a threat. Kris didn't have a big voice or a fiery personality, so they figured they'd leave him alone and America would get bored with him eventually. When it was down to the Top 4 and Kris was inexplicably still there, the producers realized that it was time for some heavy-duty sabotage. He gets paired with that bastard-coated bastard with bastard filling, Danny Gokey, who screws up the lyrics to their "Renegade" duet and Simon still insists he outsang Kris, then Kris has to perform a solo right after, then the judges slam his hip, playful, creative rendition of "Come Together." Miraculously, Kris survived. The producers' mistake? Thinking the audience was stupid enough to buy the kid-glove treatment of Danny Gokey's "Scream On." Instead of tricking people into giving up on Kris's chances, they riled up his already paranoid fanbase, and other viewers who realized what utter bullshit it was that Danny gets a goddamned A for effort while Kris gets positively steamrolled for a superior performance. Nope, they weren't havin' it. The following night featured Kris's amusing shock!face when he was declared safe.
6. Top 3 Night. Naturally, he's slated in #2, the Kris Allen Memorial Spot. Simon praises Danny's mediocre "You Are So Beautiful" as a "vocal masterclass," fucking begs people to vote for Adam after the atrocity that was "One," and gives Kris's game-changing "Heartless" the most backhanded compliment ever: he couldn't praise it without first implying Kris had no chance of winning. Which leads me to:
7. Simon Cowell, the most manipulative SOB on the judges' panel. After being humiliatingly burned last year for mistakenly calling the finale a knockout in Archuleta's favor, he was very cunning about the way he handled this year's finale. He didn't want to rile up Kris's fanbase again by slamming him outright, since they tried that in previous weeks to no effect ("wet," "like eating ice for lunch"), so he undercut Kris in a more subtle way: damning him with faint praise. Adam got "You are truly a superstar." Kris got the condescending pat-on-the-head that was "You deserve to be standing on this stage tonight." Hasn't he deserved to be there the whole season, you fucking tool? That remark was essentially a "Thanks for playing, now go home" consolation prize.

So congratulations, Kris. You did the impossible, you obliterated the concept of a Chosen One on this show. They tried to break you, Jason Castro style, but the difference is this: Jason allowed himself to be defeated. You didn't. You kept on fighting, and came back with the majestic eff you that was "Heartless."

You deserve this, not just because of the things you overcame, but the things you accomplished: In a show that favors big voices, you made the most out of your limited range, making up for it with your musicality, inventiveness, and emotional connection. Other contestants demanded the viewer's attention with flash, pizazz, and glory notes, while you drew people in with your simplicity and quiet confidence. They had fancy lighting and glamorous outfits, all you had were jeans, a t-shirt (sometimes those unfortunate plaid polos you like so much) and your guitar. You took pleasantly dull numbers like "Remember the Time" and "How Sweet It Is" and infused them with your funky, fresh style. You turned overdone Donna Summer and Bill Withers tracks into something refreshing and current. In a Movies Night full of cheese and two Bryan Adams songs (ugh), you picked a beautiful, obscure indie number, "Falling Slowly," and made a moment out of it. You pwned Kanye with his own song, and he couldn't even hate you because you're just that awesome. You were saddled with that piece of shit single "No Boundaries," and you made it not just listenable ,but emotional and infectious, to a point where I'm not even embarrassed anymore to admit that I love it. I love that stupid, trite, Idol coronation song. Do you see what you have done here?

You didn't pander. Not to the Christians, even though you were a worship leader who did missionary work overseas; you insisted, awesomely, that religion shouldn't matter in a music competition. Not to the fag-haters; you sported black nail polish on your thumb as a show of solidarity for your gay friend and co-finalist, and spoke out for acceptance on his behalf (man, I wish you and Adam could do GLAAD PSAs together). Not to the many, many people who thought you were a hot piece of ass; you were not Ace Young or Constantine or Haley Scarnato or Katharine McPhee, who would milk it for all its worth, wearing suggestive outfits and eyefucking the camera until it begged them to stop. You didn't hide the fact that you were married, to a blonde as adorable and wee as you are. You refused to be the hot guy who could sing, you were the musician who happened to be attractive. No, you didn't pander, you didn't want votes for any reason other than your music.

And I was one of those people, who liked you for your music, even though I'm aware that you're both cute and extremely nice. I've been watching this godforsaken show for five years, and there is only one person whom I can honestly say, without batting an eyelash, "I liked everything he did." I'm buying all of your albums, even though you didn't have to win for me to do that. Not only are you my favorite Idol contestant of all time, but I now consider you one of my favorite musicians, up there with Duncan Sheik, Radiohead, Jack White, Foo Fighters, Matthew Good. You're on that list, now.



III) America's journey after Idol (set in slow-motion with fancy transitions and shit, to the Glee cast's catchy version of Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'")

You'd think that rooting for the underdog would take me to new levels of pessimism as a form of self-preservation, but this season of American Idol has actually brought out the optimist in me. In closing, I shall end this mind-numbingly long dissertation with my take on why American Idol's 8th season ended with everybody winning:

At first, I thought we were all fucked. Kris would be the target of tons of backlash, and we were robbed of the glorious idea of the First Openly Gay Idol. But the truth is that this is a reality show, not a culture war, not a Presidential election. It's as selfish and wrong of me to want Adam to win because he's gay, as it is for other people to want him to lose because he's gay. It shouldn't matter.

And thankfully, it didn't. This wasn't a victory of red-state over blue-state, just a victory of one musician over an equally talented one. There are a lot of conservatives who overlooked Adam Lambert's homosexuality because they love his music; conversely, I am a liberal, leftist atheist who overlooked Kris's religion because I love his music. The show and these two finalists brought people together with music, and that's a beautiful thing.

So screw the technicalities -- America still has its gay Idol. It's a victory in itself that Adam actually made it this far on the show, and was embraced by the producers as their Chosen One. That's never happened before with any gay contestant, especially not when Nigel Lythgoe was at the helm, so it's a huge step forward.

More importantly, America has completely fallen in love with the guy. I don't think finishing as a runner-up will hurt Adam's career at all; in fact, it's a good thing, because it takes off a lot of the pressure that the media and producer hype placed upon him to go quadruple platinum or bust. Adam's Claymates-esque fanbase, comprised of both conservatives and liberals, will stick around to propel his career. Hopefully, Adam's success throughout the show and beyond it will open the doors for more LGBT contestants to be featured on Idol, with the producers' blessing. It'd be a real victory for everybody.

As for the backlash headed Kris's way, I mean it when I say I'm not worried anymore. Years ago, there was another Idol contestant just like Kris: a cute, humble, soft-spoken Southerner who was always consistent but was damned by critics for being boring and "vanilla," who persisted and continued to improve in confidence and stage presence every week, who gave a strong duet in the finale with a popular country artist but was overshadowed by a co-finalist who got to perform with a legendary rock band, who faced a ton of backlash both online and with TV critics for defeating that flashier, edgier, more exciting frontrunner and media darling for the Idol crown, who silenced detractors by proving to be more marketable than the opponent (an old-school rock throwback), who went on to sell millions of records, and is now one of Idol's biggest success stories. That contestant's name? Carrie Underwood.

Overall, this was a fantastic season despite the monkey crap the producers and Simon flung our way. Kris Allen's victory broke barriers for non-Chosen Ones and cannon fodder, proving that just because the producers didn't like you at first doesn't mean you can't ever win. Adam Lambert's success and Chosen One status converted the "theatrical" critique from pejorative to complimentary, and broke barriers for future LGBT hopefuls and theater artists on American Idol.

No boundaries, indeed.