It's that time of the year again when Julie (then known as J.C.) stuffs her blog with countless rants and raves about the latest season of American Idol. Remember my blind hatred for Kellie motherfucking Pickler? Remember how I cried when Constantine was voted off? Remember my fury at Carrie's victory over Bo? Remember my threat of throwing a bulky Skechers shoe at the TV if Taylor won? I was a crazy kid.
Here I go again, though I'll limit it to just this one TL; DR-worthy post, and maybe a reaction piece after the season finale is over.
I skipped Idolmania last year, because once that firecracker Danny Noriega was voted off, there was no one left that held my interest. In fact, my enjoyment of the show overall had waned as years passed by, probably because I was the kind of viewer who stopped watching once her favorite was voted off. And I had unfortunate taste in favorites. I never really liked a Chosen One except in Season 5, and he didn't even win.
- Season 3: Jon Peter Lewis, the "pen salesman"
- Season 4: Constantine Maroulis, Bo Bice (I can't believe I ever thought they were hot. Ugh. Ironic that I now prefer Carrie to either of those guys.)
- Season 5: Chris Daughtry (still one of the best voices on the show, ever, but it was the same old shit every week and I was frankly getting bored)
- Season 6: SANJAYA, Jordin Sparks (to a mild extent, but as I did with Daughtry, I lost interest as time wore on)
- Season 7: Danny Noriega
(I have an affinity for rocker types, so it's regrettable that the one time I chose not to watch Idol, the rocker won.)
Considering that downward trajectory, I was surprised at how much I grew to love the show this year. If you're savvy to the backstage goings-on at Idol, you might attribute my satisfaction to evil producer Nigel Lythgoe's departure, and to that I say, only minimally. The producer shenanigans are still disgusting, but at least there's markedly less homophobia in the show this year. Hell, the guy this show has practically crowned winner since week 3 of the finals is a fabulously, gloriously out-and-proud theater queen, and that's a beautiful thing. I know it's cheesy of me to feel this way over a reality show, but I get happy Obama feelings when I think about Adam Lambert's rise to superstardom.
Other than that, I haven't been pleased with how the show itself has been handled this year. Producer manipulation was in full force. The semifinals, particularly Wild Card round, were a sham. Producer favorites like Megan Joy and Jasmine Murray were put through to the finals over far more talented semifinalists like Jesse Langseth and Ricky Braddy. The judges' save was another tool the producers now had at their disposal; essentially a way of discarding America's decision, and it was wasted on a guy who never had a chance of winning -- regardless of how talented Matt Giraud was, he overstayed his welcome. Simon later admitted they only used it on him because they didn't want to have to waste it on Anoop Desai next week. Assholes.
Which leads me to the judging panel, the one thing I hated most about this season. I liked new judge Kara DioGuardi at first, by mere virtue of being smarter and more coherent than vocabulary-deficient Randy and loopy Paula, but Kara's charm wore off quickly. She grew more irritating on a weekly basis: that stupid "package artist" meme, which essentially implied that it's not enough to be a great vocalist, you have to be pretty, too (e.g. Megan, Jasmine); her inability to count; her weird crush on Matt Giraud; her OTT, almost orgasmic reactions to Adam Lambert ("Rock GOD! Yes! Yes! YES!"); and the final straw for me was her immature behavior during Final 3 week -- insulting Simon's accent and undermining Kris Allen with useless commentary, as though he was supposed to read her mind and rearrange "Apologize" for it to work. I'll talk more about that later.
Anyway, I want Kara gone by next season, and she can take the other three judges with her. Randy's as useless and repetitive as ever. Paula's favoritism towards Adam and Danny is mildly funny at best and vomit-inducing at worst. And Simon, the one guy on the panel whose opinions I used to respect, is clearly bored with his job like any clock-watcher in an office setting, and as a result is little more than a producer shill, phoning it in most days and playing mind games with America (who, sadly, falls prey to it). He's that bored.
Yep, the judges almost ruined it all for me. Scott Macintyre is a sweet guy, but he was never a good enough singer to be in the company of the other 12 finalists. Still, he got the kid-gloves treatment, hardly ever receiving any genuine criticism of his voice because isn't it inspiring to have a blind guy make it this far on the show? Danny Gokey is a competent singer, but how come equally talented finalists like Anoop or Lil got slammed some days for being karaoke, when Danny's been doing karaoke every single fucking week and we never, ever hear about that? It's always, "You give us hope" or "See you in the finals!" I'll tell you why -- they don't have the heart to slam the grieving widower. Kris Allen gets called out for a bum note on "Apologize" (what bum note? Seriously?) but Danny brutally ass-rapes the ending of "Dream On" and gets an "A for effort" from the judges. WHAT THE. Allison Iraheta delivered fantastic performances week after week, but somehow Simon managed to make it all about how she has no personality (are you kidding me), or how she dresses kind of funny, or doesn't think she can win. It's disgusting, it really is. And the cherry on top of this asshat sundae is their weekly bootlicking of Adam Lambert. Now, this one I could almost understand, because Adam genuinely is brilliant and unlike anything this show's ever seen before, but even on his weaker performances, like "One" for example, it's still all about how he's the BEST EVAH. All this shit is verbatim: "You dare to dance in the path of greatness," "this is the Olympics and you're Michael Phelps," "one of the best we've ever had." Simon practically begged America to vote for this guy. And yeah, it's kind of hilarious that Simon has a gigantic man-crush on this glittery unicorn prince, but still, favoritism much?
Vitriol towards the idiots in charge aside, I still genuinely believe this is the best season ever, for one major reason: the contestants. Randy's not off the mark when he says this is the most talented bunch they've ever had. They all can "saaang," yo. Usually, I only like one or two finalists and couldn't care less about the rest of them, but this year brought me five favorites:
- Piano man Matt Giraud, who regrettably let his nerves affect his performances most of the time, but provided a lot of the best studio recordings of the season ("Human Nature," "You Found Me," "Part Time Lover").
- Anoop Desai of the silky smooth voice, impressive vocabulary -- gotta give props to a guy who uses the word "impetus" on national television -- and "sexy nerd" persona. He's living proof that smart = hot.
- Allison Iraheta, the first female rocker I actually felt was authentic (Gina Glocksen was a total poser, and Carly Smithson was a little too calculated for my taste). I love her gritty voice and larger-than-life personality, which makes it all the more infuriating that Simon could never see it.
- Subtly inventive, gorgeously understated Kris Allen. Idol typically favors big-voiced contestants, but this is the post-David Cook era, where it's just as much about artistry as it is about vocals, and this kid has got artistry in spades. Kara's prattled on about "package artists" over the course of the season, but out of everyone, Kris is the real package artist: lovely voice, sweet personality, ability to play multiple instruments, fantastic songwriting skills, and yes, he's very pretty. And he looks like the nicest guy you could ever meet. He's sunshine and puppies.
- And of course, America's sweetheart Adam Lambert, who can take any genre and make it his filthy bitch. Mid-performance he'll make you question everything you thought you knew about sex and sexuality, and then afterward he'll just smile innocently and be all "aww, shucks" on you.
It's a stellar roster this year, and that leads me to one last thing that truly makes me grateful for all of this: America. America put 'em here, and America's been getting it right all season, with nary a shock boot (other than Alexis Grace) throughout. Sure, Danny and Lil Rounds lasted way longer than they deserved to, but I got Anoop, Matt, Allison, Kris and Adam, so I won't complain too much.
So thank you, America, because we're now down to the Final 2, and you chose the best Final 2 I could ever ask for: Kris Allen versus Adam Lambert. The puppy vs. the glamazon, Artist (understated) vs. Artist (glittery), musician vs. showman. My two favorite finalists of all eight seasons of American Idol. Plus, they're totally BFFs and it's the sweetest thing. I mean, who'd have thought that the wholesome apple-pie worship leader from Arkansas would be such good friends with the gayest L.A. party monster you know? It's so fucking cute. Someone should write a sitcom about this shit.
Y'all can take your crass, cynical, stereotypical red-state vs. blue-state "culture war" and shove it where the sun don't shine.
Kris and Adam. Adam and Kris. Decisions, decisions. It's tough, because I love them equally. TWoP's Jacob Clifton words it better than I can:
I've been saying it's the best season ever since auditions, and you didn't believe me. Can you possibly join me now? Because check out your Top Two: KRIS and ADAM, which is the equivalent of winning two new cars in a raffle you forgot you entered. One of them goes really fast, changes from one just-invented color to another, gets its satellite radio from an unknown star, and takes you to wonderful, frightening lands of the future. The other has automatic transmission, sleek lines and touchable faux-leather interior, and always smells like heaven. And the biggest dilemma you face in your life is: which car am I going to drive today? That's a lot like having no problems at all.
I want Adam to win, for reasons that I admit are as much political as they are appreciative. Adam's otherworldly and mind-blowing and all, but I can't resist the idea of the first openly gay American Idol winner, it appeals to that huge chunk of my heart that makes me all protective of certain subsets of society. Adam Lambert is a new reason I get irritated with people, especially in the Philippines where people hardly think twice about what is and isn't offensive to the LGBT community. I fucking HATE fag jokes. Don't tell fag jokes when I'm in the room or I will get activist-y all over your ass. No "eww, he's gay," no "oh wow, he actually looks masculine there," no referring to him as a "she" because a gay man is still a man. Even my parents know better than to start that shit in front of me. If you have cracked a fag joke in front of me and I have not subjected you to a lengthy sermon, you can bet I was probably gritting my teeth in repressed anger. But I digress.
Adam deserves to win, regardless of his sexual orientation, or gross favoritism on the part of the judges. He's had the best track record overall, he can sing like whoa, he's hot and he has international appeal. He's a star. He doesn't have to win, I think he'll be fine either way, but holy god I really want this for him.
I, however, will be voting for Kris out of solidarity (yes, I can vote, and yes, I'll tell you how if you ask me to), because when it comes right down to it, he's my personal favorite. I only have a handful of Adam tracks on my iPod, but I have the full Kris Allen collection. I find his voice more listenable, his style of music more appealing. Sure, it's heartwarming that this kid comes out of nowhere, originally cast by AI producers as cannon fodder, always slated to perform early in the show when Adam gets to perform last every week, is described by Simon as "not [being] a good enough singer to compete with Adam," unfairly ragged on by the judges when he doesn't rearrange songs despite the fact that Danny Gokey gets a free pass on being karaoke every week, and despite all of these attempts to thwart his AI run, he's still here. He defied all expectations and made it to the Top 2. That's great. It's fun to root for the underdog. But I'm voting for him because this is the guy that took two songs I hate, Kanye's "Heartless" and Donna Summer's "She Works Hard for the Money," and turned them into lovely, listenable performances. The guy who did "Falling Slowly" while everyone else resorted to trite, overdone cliches like effing Bryan Adams. The guy I didn't notice at first, because I was caught up in Adam's sparkle and Anoop's wit, but forced me to pay attention because he kept getting better and better every week.
Yep, that's what I want. I will vote for Kris, I want Adam to win, I want both of them to get record deals and be managed competently. I will definitely buy Kris's album, I'd have to think about Adam's, but if I like what I hear, I'd be happy to fork over some cash for one. I want the Idols Tour to be a success, and I want their friendship to stay strong, because it's so cool that they get along that well. It gives me hope for the rest of America, that there are people like that who exist.
What I am certain of at this point, though, is that we are just three days away from what will be my favorite finale ever. I am certain that on Thursday, at 10am, we will have a new American Idol, and I'll be jumping and squeeing in the living room because he will be my favorite American Idol ever, and the runner-up will be my favorite runner-up ever.
Make me proud, boys.
